I've been down lately; I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am depressed, but lacking my perk. Usually the best thing for me to do when I get this way is write in my blog and take a moment to reflect and be grateful again, and yet my blog is the one thing I have been avoiding the most. I’ve been struggling for weeks to form words and sentences. There have been countless attempts sitting at my laptop starring at its glowing screen… and nothing, so in traditional Amber fashion, here goes... my therapy.
February is a hard month for me, career wise and personally. Each year my business attends it’s largest trade show which I handle everything in addition to attending (not by choice of course!) Also, it has now been two years since my father passed and a day doesn't go by without a thought or memory of him. I hate to say it but mentally I was in a better place last year than I am now. Not to mention the commercial holiday of “love, lovers and romance”, thank goodness this month is short!
There are so many incredible opportunities happening in my life right now, and yet I have become impatient to the amount of time they will take. I am a few weeks away from my state exams for my realtors license (I would have taken it this week if it wasn't for my trade show) My dearest Jeff is doing his part to get his new office in place and piece together his dream team, which I am included in. This is a new venture for me, and one I believe I will succeed at. I am still in the early stages of the music licensing position. I find this to be an extremely exciting opportunity, however it is equally competitive and I am most definitely the new kid on the block. For now I am creating relationships and have just started to get our music out there. Little by little I am becoming more familiar with the independent Music Supervisors and the different music library companies. As the end of my second month nears I am anxious to see results. I want nothing more than to succeed at this for multiple reasons. In fact I have found an incredible course at UCLA for this exact career and REALLY am contemplating enrolling.
I just spent the last four days in Indianapolis, my annual tradeshow in the motorsports industry. I am currently sitting on my flight home reflecting. I arrived on Tuesday (Valentine’s Day) and was scheduled to return the following Monday. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t up for the mingling, the men, and the parties, none of it. It’s Saturday and I’m almost home, and can’t wait to get there. This year I didn’t have it in me. I got there, got the booth built in record time, had a day and a half to myself before my crew arrived, and I was done…over it. I spent 5 hours one day at the spa which was the highlight of my trip. I managed one night out with a group and had a great time (including sunglass guy…forgot what I call him or if I ever gave him a nickname?) but after that I was over it. I attended day one of the show, made sure my two new salesmen could handle it and headed out midday today. I am not myself… not to mention I want nothing to do with this industry and portion of my past life. The drive is gone and it shows.
Lets see what else can I get out of my head… I’ve started therapy with Kayden, a little for her and a lot for me. Lately we have been having numerous issues at home. She “acts” as though she doesn’t care about school and her studies; homework time has become a battle zone. I’ve had to give up going to the gym because our nighttime routine is impossible. It’s worried me for months and a few weeks ago while my mom was in town for Kayden’s birthday and saw first hand our ”situation”, I knew it was time to address it. Apparently my little girl is feeding off me… no surprise… and since I am sort of a mess right now we both are falling apart. The poor thing has guilt towards me and my lack of happiness. She is older now and is starting to understand and feel the effects of the divorce. She sees our “old” life when she stays with her dad and his girlfriend. She sees how dad has someone and mom is alone. It has put unnecessary pressure on her being that she thinks she is all I’ve got. Poor thing. So now my 8 year old is acting out the only (toxic) relationship she has ever seen me in… it’s the only way she knows. How sad is that. So we have weekly sessions each alone and occasionally together. As much as I tried to do the right thing these past two years by keeping her close to her father, staying in the same neighborhood and trying not disrupt her world, my happiness deteriorated, and I didn’t create a new life for me. This is causing us both pain. So now, more than ever, I need to move away, get happy, and start living. The current plan when my lease is up in April is to move home… as in with my parents. Take a few months to focus on myself and my daughters’ well being and be surrounded by a healthy, loving environment. Then head towards the beach and start living! Basically I am taking 4-6 months to rest and take my time with our next move. The goal is to spend the summer at the ranch and be back south by the time school starts. I will obviously commute a little bit between the city and the ranch so that Kayden can see her dad and I can handle any work requirements. I am getting excited about the idea and reality of a real change. I have spent the past two years going through the motions and getting nowhere... it's time my wheels actually take me somewhere!
