141 days to go...

Day 224 - You know the old saying "if you stop looking for love, it will find you", well in my case this is happening and in many different avenues. This week I was offered two job opportunities, both I am completely capable of. One would get me back to my design roots, but is a commission only position and with the current economy, and the fact I have been out of it so long, I am not sure where that puts me. The other would keep me in the motor cross industry, I would be my own boss, and there is no sales involved, its straight pay. The only downside is it requires a ton of travel. I'm leaning more towards this one, but here is the problem, I've just come to my cliff, and I'm frozen. I can't jump forward, I keep looking back, knowing I don't want to go there either.... WTF... jump Amber, JUMP! Making decisions that affect ME have always been my downfall. I can decide for others, for my business... but when it comes to me, I pretty much let whatever happen, happen and then just deal with "whatever just happened"! This is my one MAJOR fault and weakness. It's definitely why I stayed in my failed marriage for so long... living in the guest bedroom! Right now I am trying to gather all of the details to put together a game plan and see if in fact this is right for me, I realize it is truly an incredible opportunity, just need to make sure it fits with my life. It would require some major parental commitment from Clint and I'm pretty sure if I abandon our current company he won't be on board to help me out!

In addition to this weight on my mind, I have to figure out if I am going to renew my lease or get out! In other words, my year is up and its time to decide... As much as I love my place, with the addition of my three four legged friends, it just doesn't work... I need a yard, or shall I say "they" do! And with this comes another decision... do I really want to sign another year lease here... in Corona? I don't really want to be here anymore, the two parent family suburbia, isn't for me. I'm not the devoted wife/soccer mom anymore, I'm the "single mom", and really there aren't many of us here in this town. I do however, manage to stay with the "in crowd" of moms at the school, and even managed to have them over for lunch this week! So, now what...? I think I may negotiate to remain here month to month until school is out in July, and then go from there... that is unless something incredible comes my way... then I will have to decide... oh crap!

Oh, and in the love chapter, I have my first official date with Mr. G tonight... A real date! Not movies and dinner at home (which by the way, I do love!) I have had a great week with him, he had friends in town from NY, and they rented a time share down at the beach. I joined them one night for dinner, drinks, games and a late run to a bar. We had a blast! It was entertaining to say the least, watching him with his best friends and their "east coast" ways. He was so happy and comfortable. I now see why he is so adamant about returning home, where he belongs. His work schedule has now switched to days which makes way for us to spend more "normal" time together. We shall see where the next few months take us. He leaves in July... which in my life plan... is kinda perfect! Let's just hope I don't fall for this one!

I had a great dinner with my neighbor on Wednesday, we went out for sushi. He confessed he has been interested in me for months but thought I was in a relationship, he was referring to Mr. M. He also stated he has recently started dating someone and thought I should know. I reiterated we are only having dinner and drinks and at this point its "just casual"! We both laughed, chatted and had a great time.

I am so very thankful for this year and the interactions I have had. I've met some great people who in their own ways have enriched my life.

147 days to go...

Day 218 - PART ONE...

It has been awhile since I have had some spare time to post. I am sitting in the airport in Indianapolis waiting for my return flight home. I just completed my 6th annual dealer show for Blingstar. It is always an interesting event, get a bunch of motor heads and cram them into a small Midwest town covered in snow. I've got this show under control now, but it definitely took me several years to get the flow down. I started this show as a married woman, and I here I sit today single... boy was this year different! Last year was my first time somewhat single but I still was living with my ex. This year was a whole new ballgame! Luckily it all remained under my control, and I had a great time, not to mention landed some tremendous clients. And to think I wasn't even planning on attending, in fact, bought my ticket the night before... so not like me!

Last year when I flew home, on my connecting flight is when I found out my dad had passed. I was in such a different place in my life. That flight home changed my life. I lost my dad, and gained an angel. I remember that night as if it were only a few weeks ago, though some of the details are still blurry. I still cannot believe it has been over a year. For those who may not know, this was the day when I met Mr. P. He happened to be the lucky individual whom I sat next to as I hopped on a changed flight to Dallas. Poor guy gets stuck next to this blubbering female, who mind you looks like a mess after 6 days at a trade show. He kept me company for the next 3 hours, preparing me for what was to come, yet keeping the conversation light and entertaining. We talked about everything from food to music to business. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. He gave me his card and it only took me 3 weeks to get the courage to write and thank him for his company. Since then we have had an interesting time writing one another, and a quick visit every now and then when life permits! I sure learned one thing that night... always look great when flying, you never no who you are going to meet! No more comfy clothes for me! (In fact today... I could pass for fabulous!)

I need to fill you in on the last few weeks, however my flight is about to board so I better wrap things up...

PART TWO...

I am now sitting on my return flight, which of course gives me ample time to get caught up and write. This appears to be an uneventful flight, as should be expected. Considering it has been one year since I met Mr. P, I am taking a moment to reflect on my current relations.

Mr. M has been a wonderful transition person. He proved that there are still decent guys out there, even if he wasn’t the one for me. He was extremely attentive and supportive, not to mention a great boost of confidence. He reminded me that I bring terrific qualities to a relationship and how beautiful of a person I truly am. Its unfortunate things didn’t workout, it just wasn’t there for me. I would love to continue the friendship, however I’m not so sure he likes his new title! He was great at getting me through the beginning, and gave me a few tips along the way.

Now, Mr. G., this one is an interesting and strange character all in the same breath. Neither one of us are looking for anything long term, just temporary, which actually is perfect for me. (I’m still holding out for Mr. P, and he’s moving to NY in 6 months) With that said, it is tough to keep emotions out of it. I like him, and he likes me. I’m not falling in love, just yet, but there are feelings there. We had a little incident or shall I say lack of communication on Valentine’s Day that made it a little uncomfortable for a few days. I think we’ve cleared it up, but I have been out of town and won’t fully know till I am back. Either way, I don’t wish to loose him at this point, and hope all is good. He is young and fun, easy on the eyes, and provides me with his company. We haven’t really been on “dates” as he has been working night shifts since we met, however that changes this weekend. Instead we have spent simple times together dinner at his place or mine, sometimes with kids, trips to the library, a little workout here and there and a movie or two at home. Curious to see what getting dressed up and going on a real date will be like.

The older gentleman across the way has me puzzled a little bit (I’ve briefly mentioned him before). I’m not sure if there is any physical attraction there… but there is something. He’s not bad looking, just can’t yet put my finger on it. I had him over Valentine’s night after it flopped with Mr. G for a drink (no one should be alone on the token hallmark holiday). We had great conversation and easily relate with one another. At this point, I am keeping the lines open and seeing where this one goes. Who knows? For now it definitely has career possibilities.

These past four days have been interesting. I have been out of town with my ex, our first business trip together, yet separate. I know we see one another practically daily, but this was different. We were working together, dining together (in groups), and socializing. Simply put, it was weird, and of course NOTHING happened! He was well behaved, for once, and only a little territorial. I don’t normally have to deal with him, as he never attends any of my trade events, but this year he has taken on a more active roll. I tried to not attend at all and let him handle everything, but that didn’t pan out. Being there with him reminded me of all of the things I used to love; he can be a terrific person. Unfortunately the reality is the man I fell in love with died a long time ago, with that said a few qualities still remain. He was my best friend and my partner, and when that dissolved so did our marriage. That is a something I will keep on my checklist for the next guy…. I want a teammate, in addition to a lover. I want us to build off of one another, balance one another, and together become whole. I’m not saying I am going to loose my identity, but I want to be needed and not be in competition. Anyhow, we had a successful trip, landed multiple international accounts and made great strides with our business. Not to mention I ran into several of the guys who always try and get me to go out, including the sunglass guy from this summer! All in all, I had a great time, and managed to do some networking on possible side projects.

The communication lines were briefly open last week with Mr. P. He even did so much as share a play list with me. Which by the way, I have been listening to on this flight home, nicely selected I must add. I know I sound like a broken record, but really the smallest thing from him holds me over for so long. He mentioned being here March the first, so we will just have to wait and see how that goes.

I think I've said enough... for once I had plenty of time to get it all out!

Dear Dad,

I can't believe it has been a year since I last heard your voice. I remember it like it was yesterday. You called me while I was in Indianapolis and we compared snow stories. You were so excited with all of the snow Dallas had been getting and how much fun you were having. I now have your camera with your pictures to share in your stories, you sure loved snowmen! You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much snow Texas has been getting lately. The whole town was closed for nearly a week... I would guess at least 24"!

I am about ready to leave on my annual trip to Indianapolis. Its strange to think how fast this year has gone by and all that has happened. I know you are here with me since I talk to you all the time. I imagine the conversations we would be having would be a bit more energetic than the ones we now have! Luckily I choose to keep politics out of our topics! This would have been a great year for you. Can you believe the Rangers made it to the World Series, that hasn't happened in my lifetime! And the Super Bowl was at Cowboy Stadium. You would have loved it!

I miss you, everyday, but I am at peace with where you are. You left me too soon... though I'm not sure I would be where I am at today if you hadn't. I wish you could see me now. I know you would be proud of me and what I have accomplished this past year. It sure has had its ups and downs... You would be very pleased with where I am at. I can now say I am truly happy. I have always been able to wear a smile, but now I don't have to paste it on, its just there. I am thankful I don't have to worry about you anymore, and that you are here with me always.

I love you Dad, and think of you everyday. Thank you for being a part of my life and now my memories.

Love,

Amber Kate

160 days to go...

Day 205 - I had a great weekend, nothing over the top but a little me time here and there, and a lot of girl time. Somehow I ended up with four teenagers sleeping over, while Kayden was at her dads. I got the 1am phone call that they were heading over, and lucky for me I was just across the street finishing up a glass of champagne! I kinda liked having just the big girls. We stayed up till 3, and had breakfast at 9. The only down side was I technically had a morning date with Mr. G, but what am I to do when the 15 year old calls frantic! Right...?

Anyways, the morning date with Mr. G got pushed back to the afternoon. Originally we had planned on him coming over after his shift ended, maybe getting in a quick workout, a little breakfast, and then him taking a nap before the big game. It all worked out just flopped the order and location around a bit. He went straight home and took his nap, I got all my gang settled with their own food party... then headed to his place where we went for a quick run and then watched the game. It was very sweet our on little super bowl party. I had hoped he would accompany me to a friends house but considering my day had been a little crazy I opted not to go far and stay close to my girls. All in all we had a great time just the two of us, to be honest it was darn near perfect. It was the first time in so many years I wasn't that girl, at the super bowl party, solo!!!

On a side note, Mr. P started emailing. Now don't get too excited, nothing crazy, just a little chatter. He has been quiet lately with the exception of a quick response when I send him a little message. Of course he always puts a smile on my face, funny how these things manage to happen! (I am certain an online journal has nothing to do with it!) I miss him just being there... I was so looking forward to him heading west for a few weeks of work, not sure if that will ever happen. But I will always take what I get, and savor it!

I am eager to get this week going and see where I end up...

163 days to go...

Day 202 - This one will be short and to the point, it is by the way Friday night!

I commented earlier today about the curve balls that life keeps throwing my way, and swoosh... one just flew by!

I woke up this morning to an email from Mr. P. Short, simple and so him... caught me off a guard a bit.

Better put my game face on.

164 days to go...

Day 201 - My how my weeks progress....

I am now dating Mr. G, and of course once Clint got wind of this things got a little chaotic. It still baffles me how he thinks of me as his possession. Apparently he is allowed to date whomever, but I am to remain single until he has fulfilled his desires. This week started with the name calling and harassing threats. I anxiously wait for him to grow up and get OVER me! On a positive note... I should be divorced in 6 weeks! I cannot wait to see his face when it is final. He has refused to sign crucial documents, again him and his controlling ways, thinking he can hold up the divorce. Luckily for me he has defaulted, and at this point I have requested a hearing to get status and have the divorce done.... A few more weeks and I will legally have my life, and my name back!

Things with Mr. G are still in the new stage. He is a great individual, but being young, he is still a diamond in the rough. I am not one to go and change people, but rather encourage their strengths. We spent more time together this week, getting to know one another. It stinks that he is moving back to New York, but to be honest I still choose to continue with whatever we have going on. I think we are both apprehensive to where this may lead, but we both are eager to give it a shot. I enjoy spending time with him... each day I get to know a little more.

Mr. P has been silent for awhile. He is busy with his business, and apparently is in the final stages of selling it. I am happy for him, but honestly think I will never fit into his picture. It's been almost a year since the fateful flight where a teary eyed girl met the man of her dreams...

It is crazy for me to think back on the many obstacles I have over come in this past year. The emotions I have felt have been ALL over the board. Some days I look back and wonder what took me so long to get to this point. Why did I waste so many days hanging on to the tiny threads of what was left of my former life... All I know is it feels great where I am at, and I'm still moving forward!