228 days to go...

Day 137 - OK... today was tougher than normal emotionally. These darn approaching holidays are starting to wreak havoc on my already chaotic life!

Normally I am BIG into this time of year... I can't wait to program all of the Christmas stations on my radio. I dig out all of my holiday Cd's and stream holiday music at work. I look forward to baking and decorating, and can't wait to shop. I absolutely love buying presents, I put so much effort into what I think people will really like, and am eager to see their expressions. I love the storefronts and the carolers, the cold weather and SCARFS! Basically to me "it is the most wonderful time of the year"! While I am 90% done shopping (still have a few odds and ends to pick up), and have already programmed my stations, something tonight hit me that I have been avoiding. This year is just plain different.

My overly in-tuned six year old, quietly sitting in the backseat of the car asks this evening, "Mom, why do I have to have 2 Christmas'. Why can't you just come home and we all be together like a family again?"......... Uhhhhhh, I nearly crashed my car! I proceeded to tell her that, "Unfortunately things are different this year. Our family isn't that type of family any longer, but lucky for her she will get to do all of our favorite things twice and get loads of presents." She wasn't swayed in the least bit. She then asked why I couldn't just spend one night at daddy's house and try sleeping in the guest room like I used to do.... ,just for her. "That's all she wants, is to be a family again." At that point a burst into tears, riddled with guilt. I told her she needed to discuss this with her father, that unfortunately mommy wasn't the best parent for this conversation. She then said she couldn't, that it would make her too embarrassed. My word have we created a mess.

I have spent so many years creating traditions, for me, my girls, my family. Tonight those traditions made me angry. And yet, in typical fashion, as I vent to my keyboard things tend to slide into place. Earlier I was angry at the way I made the whole family pile into the car, hot chocolates in tow, and caravan with my ex-family throughout the well lit neighborhoods. This will not be happening this year... I was angry at the numerous years where each Christmas eve I have the girls open one gift, which ALWAYS is a new pair of pajamas, with the past few years us all three matching in some ridiculous set! This too will not be happening this year as my girls will be separated. I could go on and on... but I'm done with it. I was about to throw my traditions out the window, but have since decided they DO matter. And somehow, someway I will carry them on. They are me, maybe this year they will be a bit broken and tattered... but in time they will heal.

I have no clue why I thought this would be hard for me and not her. She responded so well with our move nearly nine months ago, I thought all was well. Apparently not, she too misses our family, and the life she used to have.

Not to mention my sister being in Paris... she was always my partner in crime this time of year!

229 days to go...

Day 136 - Nothing notable today, other than the usual garbage! Just thought I would share a pic of "Cousins Night 2010". What a fun bunch!

230 days to go...

Day 135 - I guess I will start with a quick update and then on to the topic that's been running through my mind all day. I just crawled in to bed after an exciting week of family and friends. I have spent the past several days up at the ranch for the annual Thanksgiving event. This is more than a day of thanks with family and friends, but rather a four day extravaganza of food, wine and terrific company. I always have a wonderful time up there when all of the cousins arrive and we "party" in the barn! Not to mention, two days prior to me going to the ranch, I was in Texas with my other "families" having an incredible time with all of my loves there. I truly am blessed to have these people in my life.

Now on to what has captivated my thoughts... two things I keep bouncing back and forth. First, my best friend is set to deliver her second child tomorrow. I am so happy and excited for her, especially knowing how hard her pregnancies have been in the past. I started to think of all of my friends and their families, and how the majority have had their second child. The past 6 months I think I have attended at least 6 baby showers. Mind you, you don't always have a shower if it isn't your first child. There have been at least 15 beautiful babies! I am at the stage in life where your supposed to be expanding your family and I am nowhere near that... and I don't mean that in an emotional way. Kayden keeps asking for a brother or sister, she too wants our family to grow! This is something I came to peace with months ago, that I may never have another child... but today, it has been at the forefront of my thoughts.

The second is completely on the opposite end of the spectrum, and yet it too is something I've been mulling over! My dearest sister and my cousin have both uprooted their lives and are on their way to something new and exciting. My sister with her international journey to Paris to attend school and change her career path. And now my cousin has decided to pack up and move to a small coastal town. In fact I just had a girlfriend do the same thing and move completely across the states to the east coast. I love the freedom and guts these ladies have, I am somewhat envious! I keep coming up with excuses to stay where I am at but hopefully I am starting to run out!

Anyways... that's what I've been thinking about today. I can only imagine what tomorrow has to offer!

236 days to go...

Day 129 - My Texas trip has come to an end. As I pack to return home I'm starting to feel more lost in my relationships. It is overly apparent I am just not into Mr. M, which totally bites. He really is a nice guy, I just don't have the mental connection with him I so desperately crave. I thoroughly enjoy his company, and by all means liked the attention and companionship, but know he wants more out of this than I can give. Thankfully I have been upfront and honest with him regarding where I am at in my journey through life. He definitely clinched on to me a bit too quickly and that may have some bearing on how I feel today. I am hoping he will continue to be my friend, but fear that may be uncomfortable for him. Time will tell, I'm sure of that.

240 days to go...

Day 125 - Seriously why is my stomach in knots? It's just a quick trip to Texas to see the family, service an account, and a job interview. The hands and feet are not cooperating!

Get out of my head.........!

241 days to go...

Day 124 - I keep thinking I should rename this blog... instead of 365 days of Amber, it should be 52 weeks! I just can't seem to put enough time aside to write more frequently. Not too much has happened in the last week, only a few highlights to share.

In my last post I mentioned Mr. M had sensed something was looming... he stopped by on Thursday to "pick up his belongings" that had been left at my house, basically I was being dumped! He was not too happy with me and the lack of time we had spent together the past few weeks. I had to sit him down and tell him that I was not in the market to jump into a serious relationship. I enjoy his companionship, however I am just getting out of a 14 year relationship, and being that he is the first person I've dated I am not ready to commit. I only have so much time to give and right now he is not going to be at the top of my list. While it may not have been what he wanted to hear, he now understands clearly where I am at. Sometimes you've just got to put men in their place!

Spent the weekend up north, nothing that a few days at the ranch won't cure! On my drive south I pulled off the highway to watch a beautiful sunset on the beach in Santa Barbara. I somehow have to figure out a way to get back to the beach. I love the flow of life and how connected with nature the beach makes me feel.

Tonight I am packing for a quick trip to Texas. I can't wait to get out of here! I lined up an appointment with my current distributor and hopefully a job interview or two! As much as I want to get out of here, or at least say I do, I am starting to sense I always have an excuse as to why I am still here. At some point I will run out of excuses and have to DO something, but for now, baby steps... and exploring my options!

Now with Texas.... hopefully I have crammed enough stuff into my days and won't have time to think of anyone in particular.... oh please, who am I kidding!

248 days to go...

Day 117 - Looks like I am only squeezing in one post a week. I really need to step up my game! Unfortunately these past few days have been riddled with illnesses. It started on Friday with Kayden getting the flu and continued until yesterday when it knocked me down. Oh to think, I normally get a flu shot and could have spared my body the pain!

Now back to my dating world. I haven't seen Mr. M since Halloween, with the exception of him dropping off some movies for us to watch the other day when Kayden was sick and bumping in to him throughout town. He can tell something is up with me and that I have pulled away. I am not handling this very well, rephrase, I am not being very fair to him. I am distancing myself and he has sensed it. I basically have been avoiding him. I'm not trying to be mean, I am just evading the situation. Maybe it is because I haven't decided what I want. I do know I don't want to hurt Mr. M. I have not been in a position like this in forever and I expect I am not handling it correctly. I didn't expect someone to get so close to me so fast, and believe me he has moved much faster than I have. I need to figure this out, and fast!

Oh and not to mention, it doesn't help that I can't get Mr. P out of my head... darn him!