228 days to go...

Day 137 - OK... today was tougher than normal emotionally. These darn approaching holidays are starting to wreak havoc on my already chaotic life!

Normally I am BIG into this time of year... I can't wait to program all of the Christmas stations on my radio. I dig out all of my holiday Cd's and stream holiday music at work. I look forward to baking and decorating, and can't wait to shop. I absolutely love buying presents, I put so much effort into what I think people will really like, and am eager to see their expressions. I love the storefronts and the carolers, the cold weather and SCARFS! Basically to me "it is the most wonderful time of the year"! While I am 90% done shopping (still have a few odds and ends to pick up), and have already programmed my stations, something tonight hit me that I have been avoiding. This year is just plain different.

My overly in-tuned six year old, quietly sitting in the backseat of the car asks this evening, "Mom, why do I have to have 2 Christmas'. Why can't you just come home and we all be together like a family again?"......... Uhhhhhh, I nearly crashed my car! I proceeded to tell her that, "Unfortunately things are different this year. Our family isn't that type of family any longer, but lucky for her she will get to do all of our favorite things twice and get loads of presents." She wasn't swayed in the least bit. She then asked why I couldn't just spend one night at daddy's house and try sleeping in the guest room like I used to do.... ,just for her. "That's all she wants, is to be a family again." At that point a burst into tears, riddled with guilt. I told her she needed to discuss this with her father, that unfortunately mommy wasn't the best parent for this conversation. She then said she couldn't, that it would make her too embarrassed. My word have we created a mess.

I have spent so many years creating traditions, for me, my girls, my family. Tonight those traditions made me angry. And yet, in typical fashion, as I vent to my keyboard things tend to slide into place. Earlier I was angry at the way I made the whole family pile into the car, hot chocolates in tow, and caravan with my ex-family throughout the well lit neighborhoods. This will not be happening this year... I was angry at the numerous years where each Christmas eve I have the girls open one gift, which ALWAYS is a new pair of pajamas, with the past few years us all three matching in some ridiculous set! This too will not be happening this year as my girls will be separated. I could go on and on... but I'm done with it. I was about to throw my traditions out the window, but have since decided they DO matter. And somehow, someway I will carry them on. They are me, maybe this year they will be a bit broken and tattered... but in time they will heal.

I have no clue why I thought this would be hard for me and not her. She responded so well with our move nearly nine months ago, I thought all was well. Apparently not, she too misses our family, and the life she used to have.

Not to mention my sister being in Paris... she was always my partner in crime this time of year!