Day 159 - I have had so much to write these past few days, and such writer's block...
There have been so many random thoughts running through my head, not to mention it is 3 days before Christmas. I would love to blame it on last minute holiday stuff, but for once that is not the case, this year I am prepared! (well with the physical stuff, not necessarily the emotional!) It doesn't help that a certain someone has decided to "catch up on my blog"!
My holiday gathering Saturday night was perfect. I had about 17 people over, which actually was a great size considering my place is much smaller than my last! Everyone mingled well, and truly enjoyed themselves. For that I am thankful, along with the last minute chores my friends helped me finish! All in all it was a great group, with great food and drinks. I am glad I decided so last minute to throw something together, it definitely helped to boost my mood. I forget how much of a people pleaser I am, I love to entertain and host!
We are now down to the countdown of Christmas. While I am looking forward to trekking up north to spend Christmas with my family, I do feel guilt for Kayden. Why I am the one who feels the guilt, who knows! This is the first time in at least 13 years for me to wake up with my family and spend Christmas Eve and day with them. Kaley has flown in from Paris and Brian is home from South Carolina. We will all be together, I am truly excited, and can't wait to get up there. And of course my mother is thrilled to have her entire gang together! However, with that joy comes the reality that this is the first time in Kayden's life she will not be with both of her parents on Christmas morning. Clint has been giving me a hard time about this. Apparently he expected me to stay in town and do Christmas morning at my place with Kayden, and then have her go to his house, and THEN have me drive to the ranch. Fortunately for me... he NO longer calls the shots in my world! I allowed him to set the rules when it came to our family and this holiday in the past. We always woke up at our home, then headed to his parents for presents and breakfast... and then I did the 5 hour drive north and spent the remainder of the holiday with my family... It was never ideal, but I made it work. This year I had no interest in waking up in my townhouse with just myself and Kayden, I am going to be with my family!
Rylee has become distant with me recently. She does this from time to time, it is sad to say but she is somewhat of a people user. She is all attentive as long as you are fulfilling a need for her, but quickly moves on to the next individual, pretty typical for a teenager in her circumstance. It is crazy for me to think back at all of the Christmas' I have spent with her from her very first one at 9 months to now at 15. The first one I hardly knew her, but since then I have done every detail of making her Christmas special. She was my first child and I her only Santa! While I still have tons of presents for her under my tree, I have no idea when I will get to see her. I passed on every tradition my mother did with me to Rylee. I hope when she is older she will realize this and treasure the memories we all had together. I hate the fact that the girls are being split up this year. I wanted to have Rylee with us, and us three wear our silly pajamas! But the reality of it is, I am not her parent. She will be with her dad.
I am not sure how much time I will have in the next few days to write. Everyone will be busy with family and traditions. I too will be busy with my family. I just keep thinking that in a few days this year will be over. What a year it has been, such highs and such lows. So many milestones in my life in such a short time span. So many losses, and yet so many gains. I lost my father this year, and closed the chapter on my marriage. I lost my family and my home, and yet have created a new home for my new family, both much smaller! I've fallen in love and had my heartbroken. I've dug deep to find myself and now know I am strong enough to get through anything. Apparently the writer's block is a non issue as I could go on and on... but I think this post is long enough! I will spew out more later!
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