241 days to go...

Day 124 - I keep thinking I should rename this blog... instead of 365 days of Amber, it should be 52 weeks! I just can't seem to put enough time aside to write more frequently. Not too much has happened in the last week, only a few highlights to share.

In my last post I mentioned Mr. M had sensed something was looming... he stopped by on Thursday to "pick up his belongings" that had been left at my house, basically I was being dumped! He was not too happy with me and the lack of time we had spent together the past few weeks. I had to sit him down and tell him that I was not in the market to jump into a serious relationship. I enjoy his companionship, however I am just getting out of a 14 year relationship, and being that he is the first person I've dated I am not ready to commit. I only have so much time to give and right now he is not going to be at the top of my list. While it may not have been what he wanted to hear, he now understands clearly where I am at. Sometimes you've just got to put men in their place!

Spent the weekend up north, nothing that a few days at the ranch won't cure! On my drive south I pulled off the highway to watch a beautiful sunset on the beach in Santa Barbara. I somehow have to figure out a way to get back to the beach. I love the flow of life and how connected with nature the beach makes me feel.

Tonight I am packing for a quick trip to Texas. I can't wait to get out of here! I lined up an appointment with my current distributor and hopefully a job interview or two! As much as I want to get out of here, or at least say I do, I am starting to sense I always have an excuse as to why I am still here. At some point I will run out of excuses and have to DO something, but for now, baby steps... and exploring my options!

Now with Texas.... hopefully I have crammed enough stuff into my days and won't have time to think of anyone in particular.... oh please, who am I kidding!

248 days to go...

Day 117 - Looks like I am only squeezing in one post a week. I really need to step up my game! Unfortunately these past few days have been riddled with illnesses. It started on Friday with Kayden getting the flu and continued until yesterday when it knocked me down. Oh to think, I normally get a flu shot and could have spared my body the pain!

Now back to my dating world. I haven't seen Mr. M since Halloween, with the exception of him dropping off some movies for us to watch the other day when Kayden was sick and bumping in to him throughout town. He can tell something is up with me and that I have pulled away. I am not handling this very well, rephrase, I am not being very fair to him. I am distancing myself and he has sensed it. I basically have been avoiding him. I'm not trying to be mean, I am just evading the situation. Maybe it is because I haven't decided what I want. I do know I don't want to hurt Mr. M. I have not been in a position like this in forever and I expect I am not handling it correctly. I didn't expect someone to get so close to me so fast, and believe me he has moved much faster than I have. I need to figure this out, and fast!

Oh and not to mention, it doesn't help that I can't get Mr. P out of my head... darn him!

255 days to go...

Day 110 - So, I made it through Halloween... barely! Kayden's costume was absolutely adorable and completely homemade! (Thanks Allissa for all your work!) Had some friends over for an informal dinner Saturday night, before we headed off to a costume party. Mind you, I have not been to a costume party in..... at least 12 years. I actually went out and purchased a costume along with Allissa and then somehow fabricated the guys costumes. We looked pretty darn cute, and had a great time. Allissa was Alice in Wonderland, with Chris being a playing card, and Mr. M and I were the Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts! It was a great group costume. The only problem is now I am band from Jello shooters, apparently I had 1, 2, 3.... or was it 8 too many! So not like me! Managed to survive Sunday and got my little kitty dressed for trick or treating. Last night Kayden and I headed downtown for the annual Dia de los Muertos festival, to celebrate the lives of loved ones who have passed. We stumbled upon it last year with my Dad, after visiting a few museums. He loved how cultural the festival was, and actually we all had a great time. We decided to honor him and try and make it an annual event. We printed out a photo of him alone, and also one of him with Kayden and two ladies in full costumes. Last night I happened to run into one of the ladies in the photo. I showed the picture of her with my dad last year and explained his passing. She decided next year to include him in her altar, to honor and remember him. It was an extremely kind and heartfelt gesture. Needless to say, I had a great time with my daughter, just the two of us, remembering my dad.

I'm starting to rethink my dating situation. It seems to be going too fast for my liking. While I enjoy Mr. M's companionship and all... I don't think I am ready to consider him my boyfriend. I have gotten some pressure from him regarding this topic and I ever so gently tip toed away from it. While technically I am not seeing anyone else, or even talking to anyone else, not sure I am ready for the exclusivity of a relationship. I like this guy, don't get me wrong, but I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Granted while I am not trying to marry myself off, I will eventually be looking for Mr. Right, my life partner and soul mate.
Some days I feel as though I have already found him...

263 days to go...

Day 102 - Wow... over a hundred days, almost a third of the way through my year! I guess I could recap how far I have come. When this first began in mid July, I was enamored with Mr. P (to say the least). I could hardly think of anything but him, and to think he was the one who put me up to the this silly challenge, a year to myself to find a boyfriend! I have since gone on a few dates, chatted with a dozen or so guys, and for the most part started dating one person... Mr. M. I was asked to go find a boyfriend for the year, and I have done just that.

Now let's be honest, well I guess I will be the one being honest. I fell.... HARD, for Mr. P. I cannot quite put a finger on the how's and whys, I just did! He grabbed me and I wouldn't let go. I fell for his words, his ideas, his mind... I fell in love with someone I hardly knew, well at least in a present since (does that make sense?). I think mentally we connected and for me it was very real. He could brighten my day with the simplest of words, the smallest gesture. I was so happy with the bits of him I would get each day. In the back of my mind, I knew this was never real. I am a realest, always have been and always will be. I may see or know something isn't what it seems, but as long as I am getting what I want or need out of it I will continue right along. I needed him... I needed the confidence and the attention. He gave me what I needed to get out and start moving forward. For that I am truly thankful. He showed me I could move on, and that I would be able to love someone again. As much as I wanted or want to be with him... we just aren't in the same place. I know what he asked of me in July wasn't a true challenge, but rather a way for me to slowly let go and move on from him. I guess now is time for me to start doing just that. As much as I want to be with you Mr. P, I know the reality of the situation is so far from my wishes... Not a day goes by that I don't hear a song or see something that reminds me of him. My memories will always be fond of him, he got me partially through this crazy year. He put a smile on my face and gave me the courage I needed to move forward. I will always have a place for him in my heart... Even if he does come to town and we don't get to see one another, he will still be my friend!

268 days to go...

Day 97 - It has been over a week since my last post. I keep saying I need to keep up, but I think this delay had more to do with denial and feelings, than a lack of spare time. Last week was supposed to have been an incredible week for me. I should have had the opportunity to see Mr. P after 90 days of not,... but I didn't. Needless to say I wasn't too eager to post about it. I am very proud of myself for not being too readily available and throwing myself out there, but I am still bummed I did not get to see him. Oh well, things did not turn out as I had hoped, but all in all it was still an incredible week I wish to share.

Last, last, Tuesday Mr. P flew into town... I happened to have tickets to the Jack Johnson concert. Conveniently I had an available ticket just in case, and a wonderful cousin as my back up plan. The back up plan turned out to be the better option! I had a terrific time with my cousins, enjoyed incredible music and great company. Wednesday is my night sans child, which tends to be my date night with Mr. M, who too is without child on that day. I can't quite remember what we did or maybe did not do, but I am sure we had a good time. Friday he managed to take the day off so we could spend some time together. We made tentative plans for a day trip but the weather was not as cooperative so we ended up staying local. He proceeded to kick my but at the gym and then made me lunch. That evening we headed out to dinner and a spooky Halloween filled night of ghosts, goblins and haunted houses! He really is a great person who aims to please me, something I am starting to get used to. I do however manage to get the door every time and he gets mad at me! Finished off that week with Rylee for the weekend.

This week was less eventful, but it still took me three days to write what I have so I think I will finish this for now...

279 days to go...

Day 86 - Warning this post may be a tad bit boring and contain too much personal info. Don't say I didn't warn you!

This weekend started off with a great Friday. I took Mr. M to lunch as it was his birthday and it looked as if that was going to be the only time we could squeeze in. Finished off the night having dinner with some girlfriends whom I had not seen in some time. It was nice chatting and catching up, not to mention the sangria was delicioso! Then popped over to another girlfriends house for a nightcap! This is when the conversations got interesting. Needless to say I ended up scheduling my first bikini wax! This is when it gets a bit personal... YIKES,that hurt! I did however manage to survive all awkwardness and I seem to be pleased with the results. Definitely took the client relationship with my esthetician to a whole new level!

Kayden and I were supposed to catch a family birthday, but cooperation didn't seem to be her specialty on Saturday so we missed it. We ended up meeting Mr. M, his daughter and his niece at the pumpkin patch. There is something strange when he is with his daughter... I become more attracted to him. I love the way he interacts with the girls. I have such love for the family dynamic... don't get me wrong, I am not planning my next wedding, but I am attracted to strong family characteristics. The girls had a wonderful, as did myself and Mr. M.

Today was a jammed packed day. Went to the theater for a movie this morning and spent the afternoon on retail returns. Seriously I hit 6 stores... efficiently! Now somewhere in the middle of all that my washer, on spin cycle, managed to knock a bottle of fabric softener off. It proceeded to ooze all over the floor and underneath the oh so heavy washing machine. Normally this would not seem to be to major of an incident... pull the machine out and clean below. However for me, the machine happens to be sitting in a tray since it is on the second floor. I could not manage to get under to clean it. Luckily I am dating an incredible strong and sexy guy... Mr. M to the rescue! Got my mess all cleaned up and as the girls briefly played, we chatted for a bit.

And the interesting part of my weekend.... the conversation about a committed relationship. He flat out asked me "Are you in a committed relationship?" I managed to dodge answering truthfully. Honestly I couldn't answer the question at all... Am I ready for that? Is he the one... well at least for now? This one completely caught me off guard.

280 days to go...

Day 85 - What to tell... oh what to tell!

Let me see... oh yes... I'm still dating Mr. M, he is turning out to be a truly wonderful individual. Sometimes I am afraid he is too nice and I am not going to be able to handle it. I am so accustomed to controlling, self centered men, having someone tend to my wants and desires is definitely throwing me for a loop. With that said, I do enjoy the attention and affection, and am working on taking it all in! What the heck am I complaining about... Right!

Now here is my latest curve ball. Mr. P is coming into town this week. He and I have been chatting briefly these last few weeks. Nothing like it used to be, but I do manage to hang on to every word he sends. His rule to this little challenge was that if either of us was less than 500 miles away all bets were off! So this means (fingers crossed) I get to see him (briefly) one day this week. I can't quite find the words to express what I am feeling about seeing him. It has been 87 days since we last saw one another... but whose counting (oh that would be me!). I think about him often and wonder how things would be if he were here. Sometimes I think I have fantasized these feelings in my head, and that the reality of us dating would be so different. There are so many variables to what we have together... Obviously we are not dating. He lives there and I live here. Our chats are rare... but when we do chat it just "clicks" for me. I know I have a tendency to create scenarios in my head that are the exact opposites of reality... but after not seeing someone for 87 days and still thinking of him the way I do, there has to be something there... Right? I just hope things work out the way I imagine them to be. Somehow this man captured my heart.

Oh and on a side bar... Mr. M does not know about Mr. P... but Mr. P knows about everything. Is that fair, I don't know. I don't ever see Mr. P, so why bring him up. If he happens to start coming around at all, then maybe I will share the information. I am not trying to be dishonest by any means. Any thoughts?