124 days to go...

Day 241 - Ughh.. writer's block, so much to say, I just can't seem to form the words. Plus I am sleepy... I will catch up in the morning.

128 days to go...

Day 237 - Crazy week as usual, it began with me agonizing over where I needed to move and ended with a few options. My mom decided last minute on Wednesday to drive down and help me get my life situated and pack. We got geared up on Thursday with boxes and packing materials and low and behold I get an email from my landlord offering me two more months. YES! That gets me to June and then I only have to keep Kayden in school 3 more weeks. This buys me the time I need to figure out where the heck I am wanting to live... now I've got a little over a month to begin the new job and focus on what city! There of course is always the option of Paso... my only new concern is the traveling portion and the lack of a major airport. I am keeping it in mind though as I figure out my next steps.

I've pretty much committed to the new job... I am just waiting on my new partner to bring on the new accounts for me to handle. I am officially going to be a "brand manager", basically a marketing person out to promote a line. I'm representing or selling "XYZ"s parts to their distributors sales force. My duties are to promote, educate and get product or displays on dealerships showroom floors. I don't have to sell anything and am paid a straight salary, which these days is GREAT! I will be traveling throughout the US, meeting sales reps and doing ride alongs with them to visit their accounts. It should be fairly easy as long as I am organized with my travel arrangements and plan in advance. Luckily I am pretty good with a schedule. There of course will be reporting back to the companies I represent so that they can track performance and hopefully positive growth. I'm glad to get out of the office and hit the road. I miss interacting face to face with people. Plus the opportunity to get out there and meet new people alone is appealing enough!

I did get a another crazy job offer Thursday night... quick details involve me running a resturant?!?. I had a brief meeting with one of the individuals Friday, but need more information. The fact this position was offered to me just blows my mind. Obviously it is known I am a lover of food, I can manage people, and at the same time run a business... but none the less it still baffles me! I am on board to find out the balance of details and give this some serious consideration.

Now that I think I've got you caught up on the job and home front... better do the same with my relations! I've just spent the past three hours texting my neighbor, who is away in Las Vegas. I mentioned to him that I was home alone on a Saturday...and I had spent all day cooking and cleaning, yet my friends were too pooped to come eat with me. He said I should hop in the car and drive to Vegas and spend the rest of the weekend with him. While this was VERY appealing... I even packed my bag... here I sit at 10:45 on Saturday updating my blog... I truly have no business going back out there, especially since I was just there last week, and I have too many other financial obligations these next few weeks. He did however pull out his "A" game in an attempt to convince me. If only my tires weren't bald and the tire shop not have them the other day.... :( I'd be half way to Vegas by now!

Speaking of road trips... for oh... about two hours Mr. P and I were going to meet halfway in New Mexico... Now had he agreed..., I would be two states away right now... NO hesitation on that one! I miss him and some how need to figure this one out. It's been over a year since the day we met... and almost a year from when the feelings started. Everyone here tells me I need to move on and let my feelings for him go. They've all decided nothing is going to come of this and there is no future. My response... It's not as if I am staying home waiting. I have been dating this past year and have met several great people. It's not my fault no one has been able to fill his shoes! It doesn't appear we will see one another anytime soon. I don't know about this one... only time will tell, but what is fair on how much time it takes. And honestly what is the reality that will come of this? I ask myself these questions daily... and have yet to come up with an answer I will accept.

Interesting week with Mr. G... but will have to fill you in on that one later. This girl just got sleepy all of a sudden! OH yes! And another new one too!

132 days to go...

Day 233 - Vegas was a blast, it was by far one of my best Vegas trip ever! We girls took that city by storm and loved every second of it. Now it is count down time for my girlfriends wedding.

It is time to focus on my moving and job situation. Moving in with the girlfriend has been ruled out. That leaves me with heading up north on April 1st and taking my girl out of school with only three months left... Or, signing a lease somewhere and staying in Corona longer than I had intended. There are so many variables making this a difficult decision for me. I want the new job... its right up my alley, its a start up business, and the room for growth is infinite. The issue of travel is definitely a concern with regards to Kayden. What I should do is stay in Corona, so that if I am traveling, she is with her dad, and school is not affected. What I want to do is get the hell out of here, even if its only 20 miles away... I'm thinking I may stay a few months... possibly 6 or 9 and see how the job goes and if I get the support from her dad that I need. If it all pans out as hoped, I am back on the road to self sufficiency and being a homeowner again. If it doesn't... then I'm looking for a nanny to help with Kayden while I travel. Either way... my plan is to take the job. It seems a little crazy to me that I am going back full force into career mode. It's not as if I have stopped working a day, since starting at 16, but the past few years owning my own business seemed a bit more laxed. I guess it was just the freedom that came with it, because it was not a lack of stress and hours. I pictured my life in such a different place then the direction that I am headed in, but I'm making do with what I have been dealt and taking it head on. I really thought at this point in my life I would have been married with several kids.... Instead I am divorced, only one child and turning back into the career power woman. I guess if you're good at it, you might as well go for it!

Men o' men..... I for see this taking longer than I ever anticipated! I know everything happens for a reason... I have always been a firm believer in that phrase. I decided I met Mr. G simply for this transition in my life of the new job and moving. As I think I have said before he too is moving, first on April 1st for a few months (as his current lease is up), then in July back to Long Island. As of right now he is the only guy I am "seeing", however I still talk to Mr. M, Mr. P and my neighbor. He has brought me to my jump off point, and instead of me going over the edge, I have managed to find a winding path along the side of a hill. Either way I am getting to the bottom! I think if we had met at a different time in his life things may have progressed in a different direction, but for now we are one another's companions in this little journey of cliff diving.

136 days to go...

Day 229 - I really should write more frequently... so much can happen in my little life in such a short amount of time... Last I wrote I was getting ready for my first real date with Mr. G, which by the way was sweet, but the poor guy suffered through a migraine he ended up having for 4 days. Needless to say he struggled through it, and while its a date I wont forget, it definitely wasn't the most memorable. I decided to not renew my lease and currently I am homeless come April 1st. I am actually thinking of bunking at a girlfriends house till summer and Kayden is out of school and then possibly move up to the ranch. It is becoming more and more appealing! The next few weeks will be interesting trying to figure all of this out.

Tonight is the eve of my girlfriends bachelorette party in Las Vegas. While I am extremely excited to go... I've never "done" Vegas this way with the girls. They've all been primping and planning outfits for days... and here I come, wingin it! I know we will have a blast, we are going all out... fancy hotel suites, dinner reservations at STK, and a table at TAO.... boy does this gang know how to roll!!! I'm sure I will have incredible stories to share in a few days!

Sorry to be so short... this girl needs her beauty sleep!

141 days to go...

Day 224 - You know the old saying "if you stop looking for love, it will find you", well in my case this is happening and in many different avenues. This week I was offered two job opportunities, both I am completely capable of. One would get me back to my design roots, but is a commission only position and with the current economy, and the fact I have been out of it so long, I am not sure where that puts me. The other would keep me in the motor cross industry, I would be my own boss, and there is no sales involved, its straight pay. The only downside is it requires a ton of travel. I'm leaning more towards this one, but here is the problem, I've just come to my cliff, and I'm frozen. I can't jump forward, I keep looking back, knowing I don't want to go there either.... WTF... jump Amber, JUMP! Making decisions that affect ME have always been my downfall. I can decide for others, for my business... but when it comes to me, I pretty much let whatever happen, happen and then just deal with "whatever just happened"! This is my one MAJOR fault and weakness. It's definitely why I stayed in my failed marriage for so long... living in the guest bedroom! Right now I am trying to gather all of the details to put together a game plan and see if in fact this is right for me, I realize it is truly an incredible opportunity, just need to make sure it fits with my life. It would require some major parental commitment from Clint and I'm pretty sure if I abandon our current company he won't be on board to help me out!

In addition to this weight on my mind, I have to figure out if I am going to renew my lease or get out! In other words, my year is up and its time to decide... As much as I love my place, with the addition of my three four legged friends, it just doesn't work... I need a yard, or shall I say "they" do! And with this comes another decision... do I really want to sign another year lease here... in Corona? I don't really want to be here anymore, the two parent family suburbia, isn't for me. I'm not the devoted wife/soccer mom anymore, I'm the "single mom", and really there aren't many of us here in this town. I do however, manage to stay with the "in crowd" of moms at the school, and even managed to have them over for lunch this week! So, now what...? I think I may negotiate to remain here month to month until school is out in July, and then go from there... that is unless something incredible comes my way... then I will have to decide... oh crap!

Oh, and in the love chapter, I have my first official date with Mr. G tonight... A real date! Not movies and dinner at home (which by the way, I do love!) I have had a great week with him, he had friends in town from NY, and they rented a time share down at the beach. I joined them one night for dinner, drinks, games and a late run to a bar. We had a blast! It was entertaining to say the least, watching him with his best friends and their "east coast" ways. He was so happy and comfortable. I now see why he is so adamant about returning home, where he belongs. His work schedule has now switched to days which makes way for us to spend more "normal" time together. We shall see where the next few months take us. He leaves in July... which in my life plan... is kinda perfect! Let's just hope I don't fall for this one!

I had a great dinner with my neighbor on Wednesday, we went out for sushi. He confessed he has been interested in me for months but thought I was in a relationship, he was referring to Mr. M. He also stated he has recently started dating someone and thought I should know. I reiterated we are only having dinner and drinks and at this point its "just casual"! We both laughed, chatted and had a great time.

I am so very thankful for this year and the interactions I have had. I've met some great people who in their own ways have enriched my life.

147 days to go...

Day 218 - PART ONE...

It has been awhile since I have had some spare time to post. I am sitting in the airport in Indianapolis waiting for my return flight home. I just completed my 6th annual dealer show for Blingstar. It is always an interesting event, get a bunch of motor heads and cram them into a small Midwest town covered in snow. I've got this show under control now, but it definitely took me several years to get the flow down. I started this show as a married woman, and I here I sit today single... boy was this year different! Last year was my first time somewhat single but I still was living with my ex. This year was a whole new ballgame! Luckily it all remained under my control, and I had a great time, not to mention landed some tremendous clients. And to think I wasn't even planning on attending, in fact, bought my ticket the night before... so not like me!

Last year when I flew home, on my connecting flight is when I found out my dad had passed. I was in such a different place in my life. That flight home changed my life. I lost my dad, and gained an angel. I remember that night as if it were only a few weeks ago, though some of the details are still blurry. I still cannot believe it has been over a year. For those who may not know, this was the day when I met Mr. P. He happened to be the lucky individual whom I sat next to as I hopped on a changed flight to Dallas. Poor guy gets stuck next to this blubbering female, who mind you looks like a mess after 6 days at a trade show. He kept me company for the next 3 hours, preparing me for what was to come, yet keeping the conversation light and entertaining. We talked about everything from food to music to business. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. He gave me his card and it only took me 3 weeks to get the courage to write and thank him for his company. Since then we have had an interesting time writing one another, and a quick visit every now and then when life permits! I sure learned one thing that night... always look great when flying, you never no who you are going to meet! No more comfy clothes for me! (In fact today... I could pass for fabulous!)

I need to fill you in on the last few weeks, however my flight is about to board so I better wrap things up...

PART TWO...

I am now sitting on my return flight, which of course gives me ample time to get caught up and write. This appears to be an uneventful flight, as should be expected. Considering it has been one year since I met Mr. P, I am taking a moment to reflect on my current relations.

Mr. M has been a wonderful transition person. He proved that there are still decent guys out there, even if he wasn’t the one for me. He was extremely attentive and supportive, not to mention a great boost of confidence. He reminded me that I bring terrific qualities to a relationship and how beautiful of a person I truly am. Its unfortunate things didn’t workout, it just wasn’t there for me. I would love to continue the friendship, however I’m not so sure he likes his new title! He was great at getting me through the beginning, and gave me a few tips along the way.

Now, Mr. G., this one is an interesting and strange character all in the same breath. Neither one of us are looking for anything long term, just temporary, which actually is perfect for me. (I’m still holding out for Mr. P, and he’s moving to NY in 6 months) With that said, it is tough to keep emotions out of it. I like him, and he likes me. I’m not falling in love, just yet, but there are feelings there. We had a little incident or shall I say lack of communication on Valentine’s Day that made it a little uncomfortable for a few days. I think we’ve cleared it up, but I have been out of town and won’t fully know till I am back. Either way, I don’t wish to loose him at this point, and hope all is good. He is young and fun, easy on the eyes, and provides me with his company. We haven’t really been on “dates” as he has been working night shifts since we met, however that changes this weekend. Instead we have spent simple times together dinner at his place or mine, sometimes with kids, trips to the library, a little workout here and there and a movie or two at home. Curious to see what getting dressed up and going on a real date will be like.

The older gentleman across the way has me puzzled a little bit (I’ve briefly mentioned him before). I’m not sure if there is any physical attraction there… but there is something. He’s not bad looking, just can’t yet put my finger on it. I had him over Valentine’s night after it flopped with Mr. G for a drink (no one should be alone on the token hallmark holiday). We had great conversation and easily relate with one another. At this point, I am keeping the lines open and seeing where this one goes. Who knows? For now it definitely has career possibilities.

These past four days have been interesting. I have been out of town with my ex, our first business trip together, yet separate. I know we see one another practically daily, but this was different. We were working together, dining together (in groups), and socializing. Simply put, it was weird, and of course NOTHING happened! He was well behaved, for once, and only a little territorial. I don’t normally have to deal with him, as he never attends any of my trade events, but this year he has taken on a more active roll. I tried to not attend at all and let him handle everything, but that didn’t pan out. Being there with him reminded me of all of the things I used to love; he can be a terrific person. Unfortunately the reality is the man I fell in love with died a long time ago, with that said a few qualities still remain. He was my best friend and my partner, and when that dissolved so did our marriage. That is a something I will keep on my checklist for the next guy…. I want a teammate, in addition to a lover. I want us to build off of one another, balance one another, and together become whole. I’m not saying I am going to loose my identity, but I want to be needed and not be in competition. Anyhow, we had a successful trip, landed multiple international accounts and made great strides with our business. Not to mention I ran into several of the guys who always try and get me to go out, including the sunglass guy from this summer! All in all, I had a great time, and managed to do some networking on possible side projects.

The communication lines were briefly open last week with Mr. P. He even did so much as share a play list with me. Which by the way, I have been listening to on this flight home, nicely selected I must add. I know I sound like a broken record, but really the smallest thing from him holds me over for so long. He mentioned being here March the first, so we will just have to wait and see how that goes.

I think I've said enough... for once I had plenty of time to get it all out!

Dear Dad,

I can't believe it has been a year since I last heard your voice. I remember it like it was yesterday. You called me while I was in Indianapolis and we compared snow stories. You were so excited with all of the snow Dallas had been getting and how much fun you were having. I now have your camera with your pictures to share in your stories, you sure loved snowmen! You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much snow Texas has been getting lately. The whole town was closed for nearly a week... I would guess at least 24"!

I am about ready to leave on my annual trip to Indianapolis. Its strange to think how fast this year has gone by and all that has happened. I know you are here with me since I talk to you all the time. I imagine the conversations we would be having would be a bit more energetic than the ones we now have! Luckily I choose to keep politics out of our topics! This would have been a great year for you. Can you believe the Rangers made it to the World Series, that hasn't happened in my lifetime! And the Super Bowl was at Cowboy Stadium. You would have loved it!

I miss you, everyday, but I am at peace with where you are. You left me too soon... though I'm not sure I would be where I am at today if you hadn't. I wish you could see me now. I know you would be proud of me and what I have accomplished this past year. It sure has had its ups and downs... You would be very pleased with where I am at. I can now say I am truly happy. I have always been able to wear a smile, but now I don't have to paste it on, its just there. I am thankful I don't have to worry about you anymore, and that you are here with me always.

I love you Dad, and think of you everyday. Thank you for being a part of my life and now my memories.

Love,

Amber Kate